My Family Portrait
I was a little kid growing up deep with in the Montauk forest . It wasn’t exactly a heavily wooded one at best, many homes in side of it. Ours was by a brilliant waterfall going down one side of the mountain . The water was so pure and crisp. Mama used to send me to dig in the cave for “buried treasure”. I had become quite isolated rarely able to speak my feelings.
My dad who was an amazing artist ,spending hours in his studio. I practiced getting every texture and shape just so. The canvas was white yet I saw it as a picture frame. My feelings surged through the paintbrush and nothing could stop me. I always carried around a picture of me and my mom and dad when i was five years old, It reminds me of the vulnerability inside of me which I could not express.
I picked up the brush and began to mix brown and white. I felt so light, naturally exhibiting my talent onto the canvas. My favorite subjects were people in a family setting. The very next one was to illustrate a typical American family. My first person was me,surrounded by a bed of lilacs. The first thing the viewer would see was me first,drifting up to my parents. Faces became real ,exposing the lighter side of my life. It was the first night working on the expressions of the people.
Walking home that night with a heavy heart and a smooth mind. I walked into the only to be very surprised. Her smile begged me to give her a hug .I could see that something was wrong.
“Baby you could be my angel, I'll be yours up in heaven. Don't expect me to survive all this chemo”
“ Mama are you gonna die”
“ No baby I'll be fine , don't worry just keep on being you “
“ Sure but I'll hold on to your hand all the way through”
“ Thats a good Kid”
I walked over to the kitchen and proceeded to bake cookies. These were my moms favorite kind , Gingersnaps . I left them out on the counter with a glass of milk. The new found ingenuity sparked me to stay up all night and paint. Sneaking several cookies, I decided to camp out underneath the stars. My mind was not focusing on the task at hand . I decided not to tell my mom I ran away from the world within me. They being me was half empty and I just felt like giving up. Now I could just cry all night long but doing that that would make me more angry at life .
My momma was my guardian angel,so I didn't want her to know I was upset. The next morning I had an epiphany of sorts you could say. This gave me a new found motivation to keep my efficiency up. I picked up the brush again yet could not fill my emptiness with love . The best medicine was to write a song and record it on a CD. This was not very easy because I had the writers block. Thus I completed the other quarter of me by the next day . The weather was Rainy,the opposite of love. I ran home and sneaked backed in. Many emotions ran through my mind.
A note was lying on the table. It read “be back tomorrow ,I'll be fine” . This was my opportunity to paint the rest of me. Now this was much easier then when I first started. My hand glided over the canvas. Power leapt from me but anger would not let me paint. I threw my paintbrush against the wall,splattering it on my solid ground. Nothing I did ever made me happy so I stopped eating. The lack of good health took it's toll on me . My heart was not in it,if my momma was gonna die so was I.
I sat down on my bed after coming home. I had this old ratty t-shirt of my dads framed on the wall. It brought back so many memories ,the last journal I ever wrote was this day 2 years ago.
“ I'll run and not grow weary but around 6:00 my alarm woke me up. I noticed my dads t-shirt lying at the end of my bed ,oddly this didn't affect me much. My mom was talking saying “He was coming home to see us and then right at the moment it all went dead”
I never fully understood the importance of those words. Before leaving I noticed my mom crying. In her hand clutched her wedding photo and she said “ I have always loved you till death bid you a farewell”Going to school was hard yet the comfort of his presence brought me hope and the wake was held the next day. The next day I grew very distant leaving school early was so hard. I Knew the wake would be hard for me to deal with but somehow I managed to get through it. The Funeral was the worst part because I cried so much more then the day before and I will always visit his grave at 9AM on this day every year.
14 &UP
I have visited his grave for the past two years and it is always getting a little bit better I felt so afraid I will lose my mom to cancer. Thus I blamed my mom for everything ,so wrong of me to do. T he extent to which my mom was sick , I was never fully aware . I hadn't gotten all of me painted , particularly because I was not whole quite yet. That was trivial knowledge to me . My dad had begun a self-portrait of me. I had never walked into his studio since then . This was special circumstances, just to take a picture of his works. My favorite work was only a partial view of my portrait. I noticed a notebook lying there but I could not open it. Mom was home and saw me poking around in there .
“ Oh this is something I have never seen before”
“ Really can I look at it”
“ Why not keep it”
“ Thanks “
On the cover was his favorite quote “You can't always be right but you can always be happy” I needed some confidence so I opened the journal to the first page . It had a picture of us back when I was five years old. Looking at it made me so happy. I could not do that for long at all . My eyes started watering, now comfort to be happy. The notebook had journal entries much like mine. This one caught my eye ,
“ Finally I've got my license so , I'll never use it. What's next in this messed up world. OH I find out that my best friend Kenny was found in his car poisoned by his own exhaust. Dead when I needed you the most, Just kidding I can't believe I'm so desperate for love. My art teacher made it seem like no one could hurt me . See a tear stain but I just immersed myself in my work. I rarely have time for school or friends . I'm never gonna have someone who looks up to me “
16 & up A.K.A The broken-hearted
I cried so hard and couldn't get myself out of bed. Now it was a week since my mom told me she was sick. People showed me that being nice gets you nowhere. So true for moi using up a bar of the insulted. My heart was breaking even further. I dared not even touch a paintbrush ever again . To Give me confidence I look again toward dad. The particular entry gave me inspiration.
“ Kenny would have wanted to be happy. I am given a picture (shown to the right) of him. The most important piece of memorabilia is his varsity letter. I went to one of his games a week before he died. Going against the grain .Besides I just found out that months from now I will be a daddy. I think the baby will get more attention than me. The doodle bug in me just went crazy. It spark me to paint a series of my own muse. “
17 & up a.k.a the invisible
The painting had to get done somehow. I felt complete and one hundred percent ready. It was much easier to keep working all day. This was very uplifting thing to do. Nothing was better than painting. Even a week into it I was still having very angry thought's . Self medicating with ice cream became my only option. Thus my dad did the same thing. I had myself all painted including the flowers. I only couldn't reach toward my parents. Yet again I read.
“ Now I'm finally eighteen and I could not express it. Something inside of me was missing, Kenny and wisdom ,like do good. “The better & best of all never give up”The big picture is unclear to me at this time. My dad always said to me every night “ I am not far away”. I am very close to him now,you know the feeling. Being smart I bought some time. Fun was important at this stage. Rafting down the river,being a carefree person. Engraved in the wood was king of the roman empire. I felt like a brave captain sailing to a better place. This was not the best to do in my life. A baby would surely bring the fun in time. Don't you worry tough guy “IT” will bring great joy & a much-needed lift will come .”
18 & up a.k.a the depressed
I got courage once again,proceeding to paint mama. Holding my locket in my hand and the paintbrush in the other. Her energy radiated inside of me. A slight tear falls into the paint. It feels sad not knowing if I'll ever have that love again. Filling in my purple shirt was a way to get my anger off my chest. It gave me happiness,the calming feeling I get is exhilarated many times. Dipping my brush in the red,blue and white paint. It swirled to make the most beautiful paint I'd ever seen. Now the pieces all clicked in my head. The picture just had to be complete.
I realized that twelve days ago it was hard to deal with what she had just told me . I denied the bravest facts that my momma might not make it after all. It didn't make it any harder but a little easier. My dad was there telling me to persevere and never give up . The painting would be put on hold for a while. I did not want to disappoint him at all. I was expecting it to be unfinished like my dad's painting or just maybe keep him whole.
“Well the good news is where pregnant again !whoa our own first-born is five already . I'm going to do a painting of you .It didn't turn out as planned ,big surprise. It was the twelve week checkup . I was so nervous and the baby had just died. Last ultra sound ( picture shown) At least I still have one child . Never did we actually try for one more. It was too hard to face the past at all . Being me I brood over it,had things to do. I had already started playing cards with myself. Cheating a bit each time. Not surprised considering the circumstances ,lousy as can be... leaving the painting tucked away for years...”
22 &up a.k.a The heartbroken
I just didn't know what to do right now. The Montauk forest is a great home but feeling unhappy . I feel like making a cup of tea and reading lots of books. No more painting for now but it is still an issue? Help? I'll write out pros and cons,no-no don't.
“ The time that I seriously thought about getting it back out, not a good idea. I drive up to my cabin for the winter or never come back again. I know this may sound like crap,life is hard and I admit angels are up in heaven,where I want to be”
Lawrence
My world turned up side down, big surprise there. It has affected me greatly,but art has helped me through it too. The huge dilemma is eating me up inside. I take a bowl of ice cream back to my cave. A box holds my most precious memories. I opened it carefully and started crying like a baby. The better my dad went to tell me he was coming home.
“ I am coming home tomorrow and taking off for a month. Angels will keep me safe,no matter where I am. Life is a fairytale and you are royalty honey. I just hope you'll keep me with you wherever you are. On the small country roads with fresh fallen snow...etc.
Love dad
The heartbreak came when I came upon his old varsity letter,I want to be so much like him. I could not come out ,just to get a lot of food. My attitude is changing dramatically from a month ago. I don't want to be here. This may seem selfish but nothing can compare to the streets of gold. Can I get my act together now or never ? The rest of the letter is not uplifting to me. But nothing much ever happens here and last month was no exception. Two months have passed ,still the painting is not done and I am so mad. Guess what it is my birthday tomorrow and I'll be sixteen finally.
“I'm finally sixteen and can't wait to get my license . Too bad my girlfriend wants to get married. I know I just can't do it right now. Seeing as I am brave I tell her yet she agrees ,a big shock.”
Dad to be
The next thing in the box is a paperback book,how to write a poem. I cannot write one but maybe this can help me. Nobody's perfect but we can try to be. Fall was upon us and mama has gotten worse. The doctor told me that she has only six months to live. Everyday feels like hell to me lately. I take every minute way more slowly and say I love you. The people around me keep telling me to finish my painting. The realization has just hit me very hard. It won't let me keep me down. A poem would supplement my painting nice. Tears started streaming down my face. The news just made it harder to deal with life. I think back to my dad's friend Kenny,not running out on life. The list of things to do has gotten longer every day.
My fears are just there and I just can't ignore them. The people are yelling at me to shape up. The next day,it is beyond hard to get up! Those same people keep whispering to me “Your stronger than this” I don't want to believe them and lie back down. This whole day will be so hard to handle. The actual feelings are mixed. The light was shining through the trees,birds filled the air. It felt like a new day at last ,yet it was not necessarily going to be one. Obviously a lot is running through my mind. I go back to bed and have the most horrible day ever. The sun had stopped shining for the day. It was so scary to be alone in the house. The T.V had a lot of monster movies on it . I got super scared and was being chased by an evil little man. His face was all blurry ,yet his voiced seemed familiar ,then the dream was over. Was my dad trying to contact me to tell me “ You can't always be right but you can always be happy”
I figured it wouldn't hurt to keep painting not today in fact, my cousin showed up we were going out to lunch and a nature hike. Oh did I mention it was my birthday. We went out to have bake, which was a little cafe down the road. They have the best chunky monkey ice cream cake. Madeline or Lyla as I called her showed me my next big surprise was eight round trip tickets to the swiss alps. We were going to learn how to ski. It helped the mood get better. My outlook on this was better new but this was also a depressing day. It was the day my mom said “wishing you good luck.” I had not known the severity of those words until l I found this card . A gift card was attached to it , worth 300 bucks. Well the card frightened me a bit because never having cared.
My journal was on its last pages and I had one more gift waiting . It was a hardback journal unlike any I had before. It gave me new start sort of. The last entry was on the last day dad died . I gave a bleak smile to my face. The people were not in the right mind. I ran away to the cave and ran toward the back. She had come up to find me yet I cannot seem t o full fill this dream. I realized that would not be practical. Lyla was the style of person you could always count on. Barefoot on a blanket under the stars looking up. The stars were comforting,my favorite was the north star because you could always find your way back home. This coming to a serious realization ,its my life and I can't always be right but I can always be happy. Didn't I know this all along,now it hit home. Lyla had gone home up the small narrow roads about sixteen miles or so. I had to undo all the hurt inside. I felt bad because I'd kept my dads aura stuck inside of me. Going skiing might boost my spirits a little bit.
“Today is my sixteenth birthday and guess what my dad was a brilliant man. I took it for granted. I need Lyla to wish it were often”
16&up
Lyla came straight back knowing I'd change my mind. She sees my painting not done .
“Cous get up and paint already,stupid.”
“I'll take this exacto knife and kill myself”
“You better come back when this crap is over”
Wallows in my pity yet goes to dads journal again for added support.
“You don't feel like the worlds going your way. Believe me I've felt like this before. The best solution is to eat ice cream. “
Any age a.k.a The wise
I reopened the journal to the day I turned thirteen.
“ I met my favorite artist today _______ (you fill in the blank). I was really proud to have someone to look up to. It helped me turn my life around for a short time “
13&up
I gave up keeping the mood happy. The bad news is that my mom got readmitted to the hospital. I lower my head and start crying heavily. A lot of thoughts were going through my thick head. I just had to keep a calm head about the whole situation. Not good nor bad birthday. Nothing can be worse than losing my angel. I go and eat a whole pint of ice cream. It has a bitter edge to it and also a sweet side . I eat it rather slowly,hoping to drown my sorrows. The day was not quite how I planned it out but the world came together at the last moment . I turned to my big painting but could not figure out if my dad was not part of my life or just missing having him here. I took out my dads journal once again.
“Kenny would have liked to be here but I feel him deep within my bones, making me happy and giving me the drive to live”
Lawrence
I felt my head exploding with anger once again. Maybe I have to sides to me ,as you can tell. The painting needed a fresh take on it . Well take it from someone who is totally losing their mind. The one page in dad's notebook was the quote page so many of the same quotes I loved especially. “ Nothing on earth is as beautiful as you” I started to break out into tears for no apparent reason. The power of healing eyes came over me. I flipped open my next clean page and made a letter to my dad up in heaven. The raw emotions spilled out and I became quite overcome . I told him of how his death kind of healed my broken heart. You know the feeling when you can be whole again and I screamed to the heavens and beyond . Oh a lot of the world didn't hear me,only my dad heard me. No you cannot say the world is only a ball of fire but we are breathing it in.
Love the one word I do not want to be used in a conversation. It is raining outside and that brings good luck and or love. I really want it to end,for I am going camping in Arcadia national park . It is one of my favorite spots to paint a masterpiece. She gave me a vision to create a location that would make her smile. The whole idea is to finish my other painting ,so why start a new one. The rain started to fall and got heavier and heavier until my heart started to sag. It began to head toward prior levels. I was standing on the edge of the door looking down at the floor below. The windows looked out over the lake just beyond the bend. A big disappointment to big ideas. The sun looked like it was coming out but that was a big failure.
The trip was my way of escaping my symptoms. I got to thinking of finishing my painting. I guess starting a new one would have been stupid. I just didn't think I'll ever finish my old one and shouldn't make another one. I decided to finish it before she died. There was no excuse to not finish it. I got out my painting after a long hiatus. I got out my paint mixed with a few tears. This was hard to do since I felt like my dad was not inside of me. I took out the picture and placed my hand on my dads face. Tears came flowing out so fast. The major pain in my heart was just temporary. The only way was to figure out why. I took out the journal and read.
“ The pain in my heart has not gone away . I still do not know what they are but I'm trying to get rid of it. The thing is that the pains get worse making my health worse. I just do not want to continue to live anymore. I guess I'm just angry at the world. There is no smart solution to fix my broken heart. “
Dad
This is exactly how I felt right now . I guess I am more like my dad then I ever thought possible. I'm angry at god for making my mom sick with this cancer. I hate him so very much but know he's not really a rational human being. I just can't get better knowing my mammas gonna die. So I get up the courage to paint my dad. The paint was so heavy and thick with emotions. I had the paintbrush stuck firmly in my hand. It is just so hard to do. The brain has me confused and I need answers. I am so angry at the world for not being able to cure my mammas cancer. This anger comes and goes . I made up my mind to paint my dad finally. The tears started coming out when I got my first bit of paint. I need to get over this emotionally. I had many guilty feelings towards my cousin Lyla. She was very nice and I threatened to kill myself,which was wrong by the way.
The first smile made me see how my dad must have felt. My hand could now at least paint. My sub conscience made it impossible to forget about the phone call. I just get reminded of him in so many ways. I took my brown and white paint and mixed them together. I can't get over the fact that it's only been two long years. It has now been three months and it is all right. Walking throughout the day,some sort of closure started to come. It's not like I could forgive for making my mom sick. I got back to thinking of forgiveness in a different way. It was not blaming anyone for the crap I had to endure. Knowing this a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
“ I feel like a weights been lifted ,maybe the enormous guilt. It was the guilt towards the metaphorical cancer. Cancer something mysterious ,I didn't quite understand. It symbolized my anger towards her. The anger I had to let go of . Many bad feelings need to be released. That weight always coming back why? Take the bag that was in front of my eyes and do not let me see it. “
16&up
I need to finish it up this week. It was so hard to paint his face. His face was so vivid in my mind and I couldn't yet not let if fade . I took the picture out of my pocket and placed my hand on my moms face. It brought so many wonderful memories she gave me. The big one I remember is her saving up a ton of money to send me to this particular summer camp. I had begged her for weeks to go there . I felt guilty most of the time I was there. She tried to reassure my shaking voice. It made me feel better yet still not quite right. It had a weird effect on me and I just never got over it. The big mistake I made cost me my trust. The big mistake was leaving her when I did . I am not going to the things I wanted her to. That was also the year of tragedy in my life .(Like I told you my dad died)
I am still trying to keep my head held high.
Her aura was coming through and tears could not stop flowing for at least ten minutes. I gave up painting at least for now. My mind needed to unload. My Mind the very thing I could not tame. The journal I kept it with me at all times.
“ the world is full of guilt and I have plenty. You want to know the wisdom my father instilled in me “Keep looking forward but don't regret the past” It really hit home when it was holding me back “ The scary thing is life goes on or so I think it does “
Dad
The big thing is I only have to paint my dads face and part of the background. I just don't want a big flood of emotions to come out. That has happened every time I started to paint again . It just gave me no closure to do this. One thing that struck me as totally similar, was he mentioned this book he was going to give me. It was supposed to be given on my sixteenth birthday. It should be in the only box labeled To my dearest child presents to give when you get older. The main thing is that I just know what box it is. I'm assuming it's that big art book my dad always talked about. It's not about the book but it's only the memories that count. It was reassuring to know he cared about me. The majority of the trip was not needed. I guess it helped me to see the bigger picture.
I have been letting my depression rule my every move. My emotions are just because of it not who I am. It seems as though my dad would be happy for me. He somehow got inside of my head and was telling me to paint him. It gave me added courage ,more often to face it. The demons had to come out sometime. Those demons were blocking the path to my heart chambers. A tear once again fell out of my eyes. I should stop crying but can't for some reason. I just miss my dad way too much but it is getting easier. The painting was almost symbolic of how we were both feeling like a big part of us was missing,taken from us in a flash. My therapy was to get this painting done without going to a therapist ,uggg I hate them so much. I just want to get to know myself better. I feel as though thoughts have overridden actions, You can't always be right but you can always be happy”
This was so much easier said then done happiness,so deadly something. The most important things are love and happiness. I have neither of them at the moment. I really do not know why ,it makes me so angry. My love of rainy days like any other were different.
“I love rainy days because of several things for which life is based upon”
- It can fall as hard as hard as it wants to.
- Cry for hours and weeks on end and never feel a bit out-of-place.
- Never feel the pain.
I wish I were the rain “.
16&up
The main thing is that I just can't get over the fact that he's gone. No one has ever felt this bad or so I thought. I am so hard on myself sometimes,so my perfectionist side shows through.
“ Dear dad,
I am here on earth and missing you terrible or something. It has been two long and hard years of sorrow. Guess what my mom has cancer ( apparently in stage 4) The broken heart I had is still there. Your death healed it some yet made me angrier. Yes dad I'm happy. All right not really. It is so hard to face every day life. Guess what life doesn't get any easier. I found that out the hard way.
Love your only child
I really do not know what I am feeling at that moment but all I know is that the world is cruel and I just cannot get it back. This is one of my attitudes towards everything, I cannot explain it . I have a finished painting and a heart full of mixed up thoughts. I was wrong to blame god or myself for her cancer. It is just so hard to be on this camping trip when my momma is gonna die before I got back home. I really do not know that but I let myself think that , made me feel heavy. This was not the case but let me tell you I am sad . Her immune system is weaker than before, no surprise to me . I just cannot stand to see her suffer. In some cases we are both struggling. You were thinking I was getting better think again .
Ha ha April fools day once again . I guess you could say we were faking our own lives . Lyla had asked me to come stay with her for a while. This was quite convenient considering I had to re-evaluate my life. Lyla I can describe her being instead of mine. She was not that much older but seemed like she was. It was her personality that was sweet to me yet not when she yelled at me in the cave. It makes me think of her coming right back to me in that cave. I felt safe with her but can she say the same. Maybe not or I know that Lyla is much more tough skinned then I . Nothing could tear us apart, except that no wait lets not think about that.
It is quite hard to picture her as my new legal guardian. I just know that is who my mom is going to leave me with . I must not think about that until it actually happens. My mom is so young and would love to see me get married.
“ So I was thinking about my wedding day and how both of my parents will not walk me down the aisle. I know I am only sixteen and all . Forgive me god but it will not be the same. Life never stays the same,we can fake it like it does . Fake that is the big word, I can be that in a heartbeat. Make that right now. Talk about being angry for not knowing what has happened to myself. I am a ( BASKET CASE ) or ready to kill myself all over again. I mean it is so hard to make life decisions in an instant. Not that getting married is a life decision yet,COLLEGE let alone my senior year will suck to the point of saying the word hate every single day . I am going back to regular old public school soon. I am so scared right now that everything seems impossible to fathom. I think what really is controlling me is the fear of not being in control of the world around me . I know , I know that is the way life is. I just cannot live not knowing how the next few months will play out. But you know at the tender age of 16 each day brings new challenges.
16&up
I opened the infamous notebook for the nth time. It had already worked its magic on me . There was only one journal entry that grabbed me but I never had the nerve to read it .
It was the day that my baby was to be born. She and I did not know whether or
not it was a girl or a boy. I liked not knowing because I got to be surprised. On the other hand I wanted to pick out a name . At 2:49 in the morning barely able to stay awake. Yet I could stay awake knowing today we would have a new member of our family. IT had to come today. It was sunny with a hint of crisp fall air. Later on when she was more dilated but still a ways away. I went outside and paced back and forth. I noticed a coffee shop across the street so I went to get some straight up cappuccino. My nerves kept telling me to go back inside. Go back inside , not really until she asks me to. I am just so scared, I love her but am still a kid . A KID I TELL YOU. Naïve and unprepared. Cannot write more will in who knows how long.
18&up
I felt taken a back that he was not with my mom the whole time. I guess I am no all that surprised in a way . I loved him with all of my heart but felt like he abandoned me as a child. All I can remember is going down to the waterfall and racing our boats in the water . I can see the smile on his face , yet he let me win. Unlike my mom who had a soft sweet edge about her , he was hardened. My dad had grown up in a very small town with only a population of 1000 maximum. I remember after racing we headed back up to see my dads childhood home .
I remember looking up at this amazing farm-house in the country. It had a front porch with a dog and a two-seater swing. This was one of those houses you can't help but fall in love with at first glance. I wanted to go inside but it had been bought up by a farmer, one who had one horse in the stable. BEAUTIFUL is the only way I can describe it. It made me want to have a house like that someday. One day I will go there ,just lie in the grass . I will have two angels in the form of a cloud . The clouds will change into familiar shapes.
I heard the doctor talking to Lyla on the phone today. I know I shouldn't have been but it concerns me more than her.
Dear frustrated
you do know that she isn't going to be around forever. I have this ideal fantasy in my head of her recovering miraculously in some fashion. This is the mind of an invincible teenager who thinks nothing can harm them. I have learned that by spiraling into depression and then coming out way stronger. Strong yeah right , look at the world around me full of far out dreams. My mom wanted to be a womens rights activist . Instead she ended up going to work at an office for so long. I don't know exactly how long she had been putting off going to the doctors but it cost her a life with me . She has a stubborn streak in her and it makes me so mad. I do not have that, well maybe I do. I love her but not in a way. I am only sixteen , the age where your mind is made up about certain things .Whoever this god above is cannot help her . No miracle recovery is in her future, no one can make a miracle recovery. I am FRUSTRATED, my whole world is crumbling down in an instant but I want to have the characteristics she has .
16&up
I then went to my cousin Lylas house considering the circumstances of the situation. That did not make it easier one bit. Let me tell you dealing with a horrible pain inside of you and feeling helpless. I felt every emotion at some point and it was starting to wear me down. I am supposed to be the strong one ,the brave one but look at me now. It just does not make any sense why god would punish me for my moms suffering. Nothing makes much sense now, I feel trapped in my anger. The hardest thing to deal with right now is hearing all the timelines from the doctors. I do not believe anyone of them, we shall see how long she is around. All I know is I want to be up in heaven too. Yeah yeah won't solve any of my problems. One little big problem will still be heavily in my mind .
“ I am me but me is hurting . Deep down inside it has me torn between losing her presence to losing her personality. Let me describe her to you ,if I may have this published one day. SWEET---LOVING--SO SMART THAT IT WOULD MAKE ANY MAN JEALOUS--- THE BEST COOK IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ( OK MAYBE NOT ). IN MY MIND SHE IS .SHE CAN MAKE A MEAN MAC AND CHEESE. THAT WOULD MAKE ANYONE FORGET THERE TROUBLES,BUT ONLY UNTIL IT IS GONE. THERE WAS A SIDE OF HER THAT WAS SO BITTER AND FULL OF HATE . I DO NOT BLAME HER ONE BIT, BUT LIFE IS NOT FAIR. TA TA FOR NOW. 16&up
That little word love has no impact on me . She loves me but I do not love god . In fact I do not like him one bit right now . I would rather not be living this fake life right now. Fake all right, hiding the smile inside.
Dear boy or girl Your name is da da da , I cannot tell because it is bad luck to tell your baby's name to anyone. Your birth was so special to me but cannot say it in words .
I have videotaped it for you ( CD enclosed ) I know that sounds cheesy but you never know .
I feel so blessed to have you in my life that nothing can stop you from making me smile. Maybe it can . I just am so happy that you are here . I cannot stop saying that . I must sign off now.
18&up
I looked at that for an hour thinking of how much he loved me . I can't help but think of his infectious smile and great wisdom. I must go and wrap up all my loose ends. Loose ends you say, well more like black holes , like I will get swept away . Like I can just say life must go on. Me dare I say my name , I already said it but in code . I fear people will know my name and instantly I will become a star . Well me is frustrated with all of the mixed messages my brain is getting right now . Should I stay here and wallow in my pity or go do nothing. My name is me or I but I need to find my true identity . Shall we see. I guess I must wrap this chapter of my life up but cannot seem to make it end.
There is no going back to the start, though I wish I could start this whole ordeal over with . I know nothing could have prevented my dads death, but my mom's could have . She brought it upon herself and made me suffer because of it. My view is that I blame people for things that I could not control. It scares me because I feel like an alien in human skin. I bet we all do at times. I feel like I am from the planet Jupiter where the atmosphere could kill me . I like the thrill of seeing something in a different way. This is what this whole journey has been about, finding my voice .
Dear Excited,
I am working on creating a custom line of tote bags to support the American Cancer Society . The bags white with a pink ribbon and a saying “ I support breast cancer research” . They will be sold at local business's or online . I am finally seeing that helping out makes you feel better. All I did was ask a local business to put the design on the bag . If someone wanted to customize it with in memory of or whatever , it would be possible. I so not like selling nothing so I advertised and got positive vibes. I sold 100 in the first day only because of the cause . The bags were not the cheap looking kind ,rather heavy good-looking ones. I want to sell more than I ever thought possible .
16&up
I ended up selling a ton of bags but all of them held a special place in my heart. I went over to the one place I felt at home , Lyla had decided to move in with me. I guess every raindrop and cloud all make me happy . Ironic isn't it but I know how hard it can get .
Looking over the note she left me at home right before she went into the hospital for the very last time.
Dear Honey,
I will be somewhere over the rainbow, in a place where nothing bad can hurt you and the world is at peace. You can come visit me and escape. I want you to remember my big blue eyes and curly brown hair. Lets you and me never forget each other .
Love Abigail
My name is Henry and I am only the most experienced artist this side of the Mont auk. Me and Mauve are quite content living here with the presence of two angels.
Becca Gardiner
